Off-Season Priority #1: New Mascot

November 13, 2015

The Quakes have a lot on the to-do list: get a jersey sponsor, release Pierazzi and Lenhart, sign Dawkins, bring Beita home, plan for 2016 All-Star Game, etc.  All are well and good, but priorities dictate one thing above all else: FIND A NEW MASCOT!

QQ.  The muppet with silver hair.  The thing that makes first-time visitors to a Quakes game say “What the f@#$ is that thing??” and question a return trip.  The source of your three-year-old’s nightmares.  The evil that will usher in the apocalypse and greet sinners at the gates of hell (well, maybe he’s not that bad..).

A sports mascot is supposed to be a good thing, a source of pride and excitement.  It rallies a team and fans alike.  It is a symbol to fire up the supporting fans and instill fear in visiting fans.  Yet whenever I see Q, my first reaction isn’t exuberance, but embarrassment.  Why do we have an overgrown smurf waving a flag at midfield?  Why???

Don’t get me wrong; Q has had his share of notoriety.  Clotheslining a pitch invader was pretty cool.  Reminding David Bingham that SportsCenter came on after the 2012 Stanford match will always be a fond memory.  My personal favorite Q moment came in 2013 when he got laid out by UFC fighter Luke Rockhold:

However, Q’s retirement is long overdue.  He is a reminder of a dark time in our team’s history which saw Amway as a kit sponsor and Buck Shaw as our “home.”  With a new stadium came a new shield, new uniforms, and a new attitude, yet our embarrassing mascot remained.

In order to move past the “Q” era, I propose these “San Jose”-based mascots instead to rally the fans to unprecedented heights:

lewis-skolnick1. Lewis Skolnick.  San Jose is the nerd-capital of the world; why fight it?  Why not have the king of the nerds as our symbol of pride?  A pocket-protector in his shirt, a graphing calculator in his hand, and an infectious laugh after each goal that echoes throughout Avaya to remind the other team not to mess with their intellectual superiors.  He can engage the kids in lectures on quantum mechanics, dark matter, and all things Star Wars/Trek.

Too brainy?  Well, there’s always option #2:

2. “Silicon Valleys”  San Jose is the capital of Silicon Valley; let’s feature our tech capital in apamela more “literal” sense.  Pam Anderson is looking for work and her cleavage is world-famous; it sounds like a match made in Silicon heaven!  Plus San Jose would have the only female mascot in MLS, possibly in professional male sports.  Thus San Jose not only pioneers technology, but gender equality as well. #Pam2SJ

Duffman23. “Rick Ter”  Avaya has the Earthquakes and the LOBINA.  Quakes, Alcohol.  Let’s combine the two into one BAMF mascot.  You can’t measure the magnitude of Earthquakes with the Richter Scale, hence why it’s time for “Rick Ter,” a mascot similar to DuffMan running around the stadium and celebrating the beer served up at LOBINA.  Seems like another no-brainer, especially if that brown patch of grass on the pitch needs a little H-2-Oh Yeah!

Your move, Quakes FO.

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